dethklok on the DL

Just woke up from one of those really dirty dreams people (typically, guys) have. I won't use the proper term here because it always grosses me out, but I'm sure you catch my drift. In this dream, the cast of characters were myself, one Mr. Nathan Explosion (of Dethklok) and several Greek deities. The recounting is going to be rather graphic so if you're not into hearing about sexy things, i advise you to turn your attention elsewhere. Let's start from the near beginning, and when I get to the end, we'll stop.

In the dream, I am at my aunt's house and she's watching a gaggle of children, but these children are actually very precocious teenagers. I'd never met any of these kids before, but right away it was clear to me that I didn't much care for any of them as I watched them vandalize the room I was in. As far back as I can remember in the dream, I was standing next to the entrance inside this modest room facing a window and the front door. It was sort of a parlor room, I suppose. There was a futon, open, with sheets on it, that sat against the left wall of the room, next to the window. On said futon sat the incomparable Nathan Explosion.

The second those damned kids ran out of the room in lieu of more serious shenanigans, I jumped on the futon next to the Most Metal Bachelor of the Century. From the upright position, he lays down, but not so much in an inviting way. More like, you're-in-the-way-of-the-TV sort of way. But do I despair? No...I simply consider this an opportunity to strike. So, I move my arm and lay it over the other side of him, bracing myself to pounce into straddle-mode. Just as I'm about to spring into action, mythical gods, in the form of blurry Christmas lights, begin entering Mr. Explosion via the left thigh (I imagine this is how the stent procedure took place in Greece many years ago). I consider this event a fortunate distraction and seize the moment by throwing my leg around to the other side of him where my trail-blazing arm is eagerly waiting. Seconds after the brightly glowing penetration of possession ends I realize that one of these deities has taken over Nathan's body. Jackpot I think when I realize that it's Aphrodite, goddess of love (and a notorious copulator). I'm a fairly attractive dude and reason that this has got to be the first time for her in like 10,000 years so there's no way I'm getting shot down.

Newly justified, I move in for the make-out. She(He)'s reciprocating, but being very passive. I figure this must be my fault for having misjudged the goddess of sluts - of course, she's being passive, making out is probably as boring to her as reruns of M*A*S*H. Well, sorry to do this to you Nate, but Aphrodite here needs me to kick it up a few notches. I forcefully remove his belt and start hiking down his pants. Which, by the way, isn't as easy as it sounds because I'm still straddling him. I manage only to get the pants up to his knees, but that's alright because being the King of Metal and all, he's not wearing underwear. Okay, fair warning, here's where this goes from an R-rating to most-searched-for on XTube. With the proper area now barrier-free I barge in penis-first (lube is an invention of the waking-world), all the while thinking yeah, you dirty greek bitch, you love this shit. By now I'm multitasking, balancing the lost art of kissing and fucking - after all, I have been known to be a hopeless romantic. He(She) is still being sort of a dead fish, so at this point I figure there is no reason to drag this out and that I may as well just go ahead and get off. I kick it into high gear for a minute or two and right as I'm about to get off I pull out (safety first)and am just about to shoot my junk all of over him when lo and behold, a new god begins to take control of my man. Oh, just fucking great I think upon realizing by the anger and tension that this must be Ares, god of war. I'm in the middle of raping the god of war...I am dead. But it's actually taking a few moments for him to gain complete control of our mutual vessel (I naturally assume that this means Aphrodite must have been into it, despite her atrophy). Yet again, being the optimist that I am, I see nothing but opportunity and reason that I probably have just enough time to finish up.

At this point, the god of war is starting to thrash a little so I'm having to hold down both of Nathan's arms overhead with my one hand while the other hand is busy...well you know. He begins yelling some sort of mumbo-jumbo in that cliche Linda Blair, what-do-you-expect-i'm-possessed sort of voice yet I remain dutiful to my cause...me. In that last few seconds I feel are available before I get the ass-whooping that only 10,000 years of pent up aggression (and rape) could bring, I manage to get off. The coup de grâce, though, is that while he's spouting, what I assume to be, threats on my life, I manage to get a good portion of my DNA in his mouth. Despite this being a dream, you'll be glad to know that the humor was not lost on me. Immediately (and I stress that fervently), I grab the sheet from underneath me, throw it around my torso (modesty is, after all, a virtue) and book it straght to the laundry room where I'm sure some tidier, more forgiving deity will find me.*